I am my own happiness.

Today I have decided it is time to finally put my experiences, thoughts and feelings to paper. I always admired authors for their ability and perseverance in bringing their stories to life and keeping my interest throughout. I never quite had the knack for writing and therefore I didn’t even think it would be possible to put my thoughts to paper. Now, with all this technology I think anything is possible and even if I suck at it at the end of the day it is something I am doing more for myself.

 

So, where do I start? Usually I would say the beginning, but tonight my thoughts are just too scattered for any real story telling. I guess the best thing is to kind of fill in the blanks as I go and just everyday talk a little bit of what is relevant and on my mind.

 

Tonight, I just keep thinking about the question “Am I happy?”. To some this might seem an easy  question to answer, but honestly I just can’t answer. I have lived in the USA for about 7 months now and I feel just as lonely as when I moved here. Who would have thought travelling can be so lonely?

 

I realise that I can make of it what I want and that it perhaps would be less lonely if I tried harder, don’t get me wrong – I do try, I have friends, I have fun and I discover. Still I feel like a stranger. I feel like I always have to adapt my culture and values to suit other’s, but would they do the same for me?

 

It bothers me that people don’t just say what they want and do as they say. Is it so bad to still believe in that old school charm that people are good and that not every one will disappoint you? The short answer is yes, because unfortunately at the end of the day all we want to do is connect with people and if that means changing or compromising who we are, we find ourselves happy to oblige sometimes.

 

Reflecting back on all my experiences here so far (also dealing with almost 150 guests everyday at the hotel front desk), I realise that really it is more of a mindset. I just shouldn’t give people my time that wouldn’t even waste a minute on me. I shouldn’t care too much about things that are not in my control. There will always be people who want to compete with you, don’t like you and people you will simply just bud heads with.

 

Maybe I am happy, not necessarily with the place I live, the people I know or the job I have, maybe I am happy with who I am becoming and the experiences that are defining my character right now. So tomorrow if someone asks me, ‘are you happy?’ – I will reply with “I am happy with what I have achieved and who I have become.’

 

Maybe at the end of this 12 month work exchange program I will be able to define my ‘own’ state of happiness. All I know for now is that if people cannot appreciate or support me at my worst, they certainly don’t deserve me at my best (this is perhaps one of the hardest lessons I have learned.)

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